my room is finally done &looking dope.

it sucks that this is supposed to be a 'journal' but i'm not writing about what i'm really thinking, which is,
i met someone that i'm so crazy about that i'm starting to feel like a 12 year old,
i'm so damn giddy about the whole thing.


but i dont feel like sharing it with anyone yet.
this one is all mine.







"Who do you not get along with?"
"People who don't speak English."

Aaaaand that is why I love Kayt.

    I had my soul dissected.
    It felt really, really good.

    Anita, "Mahalageasca" plays on my computer about 10 times a day, and I do this:
    Nananansjssjseeehehennananannanashehehenanananauhuhuhnana na nahehehehhhnenenenneneneeahahahahahhahaa !

    I worked a bajillion hours yesterday and I work a bajillion more today.
    Someone stab me, now.

    I'm so happppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Account Structure Update
Back by popular demand, Basic Accounts will be available to all users again by the end of the (northern hemisphere) summer. More information on the decision-making process and proposals relating to the future of Basic Accounts are in lj_2008.

New Themes
Two attractive and all-new Flexible Squares themes, "Circular" and "Circular Brown" are now available.


L to R: Circular and Brown

New V-Gifts
Give someone you care about the gift of enticement. With the new Chocolate Ice Cream, Vanilla Ice Cream, Tea, Coffee, Curry and Sushi v-gifts, all the significant people in your life will be able to share in the longing for the tasty edibles below. Plus, it reminds loved ones you think they're really sweet, really savory or just plain satisfying.


L to R: Chocolate Ice Cream, Vanilla Ice Cream, Tea, Coffee, Curry and Sushi

Ж-Men...but not the ones you might expect!
This week LJ Russia launched Ж-Men, a new comedy series about superheroes, inspired by the LJ communities dedicated to superheros, comics and cartoons. The title's "Ж" comes from ЖЖ, the nickname for LiveJournal in Russia.

Ж-Men's script is written by a group of LJ enthusiasts who also happen to be television professionals. Who knew? Following the premiere, five more episodes will be broadcast over the next two weeks. We hope you find the series fresh and enjoyable.

This is, of course, an experiment for LiveJournal. As always, we'd love to hear what you think!

    Spent the day holed up in my house building furniture and throwing things away.
    Had to buy two more five-shelf bookcases, because I have outgrown my 7ft tall, six-shelf bookcase and I had books laying all over the place.
    Pretty sure I own more books than I own dollars.
    Also bought and put together a 300 pound armoire. (I hate that word. So cheesy....and French.)
    Subsequently, I had to get rid of a lot. I think I ended up with 5 trash bags full of trash and 3 trash bags full of things I'm going to donate.

    Cleaning out my room is like cleaning out souvenirs from the past. I can't even recount all of the letters, notes, pictures, paintings, and notebooks from ex's, best friends, and random acquaintances that I ran across today. I even found paintings that my ex's ex's did for them? It was so.....twilight zone.

    I still have a lot of work to do tomorrow, one more bookcase to put together.
    slkdjfa;ojefaskldjfalksdjf.


    God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime
Remembering when you were mine
In a still suburban town

When every thursday I'd brave those mountain passes
And you'd skip your early classes
And we'd learn how our bodies worked.

God damn the black night with all it's foul temptation
I become what I always hated
When I was with you then

We looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact
Fumbling to make contact
As the others slept inside

And together there
In a shroud of frost, the mountain air
Began to pass from every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer than anyone would ever get

Do you remember the JAMC?
And reading aloud from magazines
I don't know about you but I swear on my name they could smell it on me
I've never been too good with secrets.
No...

And together there
In a shroud of frost and mountain air
Began to pass through every pane of weathered glass
And I held you closer

    I truly believe that, in order to deal with situations that are hard, we have to know why. Kinda like how we all need closure to move on from past relationships. We have to know why they ended, or maybe why they began. It's almost like you can't come to terms with something if you can't understand why it happened in the first place.

    Maybe this is why I have such a hard time being okay with the fact that my mom has zero interest in me whatsoever. I just don't know why. This woman would forget I existed if I ever stopped living one room over. When I do move out, months will go by before it crosses her mind to contact me.

    I asked her a couple months ago if we could go to California before my next semester so I could see my cousin and her new baby. It's funny but last Thursday night, her flight was booked and she was packing before it crossed her mind to tell me she was going.
    Whatever, I let it go.
    As much as she never shares an ounce of her life with me, she got back tonight and decided to show me pictures that they had gotten done over the weekend. In them were my mom, my aunt, my cousin&her baby, and my grandma and she says to me, "We really wanted to get pictures of all of us together, you know?"
    Yea, mom. All of us.

    I remember, once, being really hurt by her and thinking that if I wanted to see her look at me with any kind of love--or even just like-- in her eyes at all, I could just pull out baby videos.
    Well what a horrible idea that was. She looked just as disgusted with me at the age of 4 than she does with me now.

    My mom can't tell you my favorite food. Scratch that, she can't even tell you what I like to eat.
    She can't tell you any of my friend's names.
    What movies I like.
    What books I read.
    My mom can't tell you things about me that the most obscure of strangers could, or even what just a glance in my room could tell you about me.
    She's never read anything I've ever written, no matter how many times I've physically put it in her hands and asked her to.

    I've had people ask me, What? Your mom never taught you how to _______ ? and felt like a complete idiot because no, my mom has never, ever attempted to teach me anything.

    Inadvertently, I have learned how to ignore people. I've learned to never not put a dish in the dishwasher. I've learned to never take the best parking spot in the driveway. I've learned that a size 0 is ideal, and to push, push, push myself until I get there. I've learned to never marry young, and to always take money into account when looking for a lifelong partner.

    My mom's legacy to me: Dear God, please do not ever give me a baby girl.
    Dear God, let me let this go.


Even He that died for us upon the cross, in the last hour, in the unutterable agony of death, was mindful of His mother, as if to teach us that this holy love should be our last worldly thought - the last point of earth from which the soul should take its flight for heaven.

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

    Some of my biggest supporters in life live in Iowa, South Dakota, Long Island, Northern California, Texas, Tennessee, and France. I am deeply connected with all of these people, and I love it. I love living outside of the bounds of Phoenix.

    Today, I started doing research on Bosnia, more specifically, Sarajevo, and the colleges there. I started looking into the best (and cheapest) ways to study the language itself. I am going to spend the next year of my life preparing for going there. I am dead set on doing so.

    Much of my inspiration, obviously, is from Anita. I wouldn't have the guts to do it if she weren't going with me, there is no question to that. Knowing her makes me want to know more people like her, know where she came from, and speak her language.
    Secondly, Sam and I were talking and he was telling me all the things he would love to do, but is unable to because he has to stay in Phoenix. It just made me realize that I have nothing tying me down here, and I'm wasting my life because I am so damn content that I'm borderline apathetic. Sure I wanna travel, sure I wanna see the world, sure I wanna learn new languages and meet new people and get a totally different perspective on life, but I have found a way to be so content with how things are that I haven't pushed myself to do any of it. But as Sam pointed out, I have ZERO tying me down. I have no debt, no kids, no serious relationship, no illness, nothing in the world to keep me from going but my own apathy.

    Working towards going over there and doing a semester gives me a new spark. Something more to be excited about, as much as I typically am excited about everyday things.

    So many of the people I love are in the business of hurting themselves. It hurts me. I would argue that my only source of unhappiness here is from the people that I love.

    Why don't people want better for themselves? And if they do want better, why don't they go and get it?

    I'm currently reading the second book that I may never be able to finish because it reminds me too much of two men that I've loved who have never, not one day in their life, cared about themselves or the people around them enough to not abuse substances.  If they had any writing prowess at all, they could have written this book. These words are their words. It's so......not okay. And as much as I know that nothing I could ever do can 'fix' them, and I've already done everything in the world a person can do to try, I will always feel as if I should've done more. I don't know what 'more' would entail, but I'll always feel that way.

    I have to be up in five hours to take Padre to the airport but I don't feel like sleeping.

Hustle, bustle and so much muscle
Cells about to separate
And I find it hard to concentrate and

Temporary this cash and carry
I'm stepping up to indicate
The time has come to deviate and

All I want is for you to be happy and
Take this moment to make you my family and
Finally you have found something perfect and
Finally you have found

Death defying this mess I'm buying
It's raining down with love and hate
And I find it hard to motivate and

Estuary is blessed but scary your
Heart's about to palpitate
And I'm not about to hesitate and

One to treasure the rest of your days here and
Give you pleasure in so many ways dear and
Finally you have found something perfect and
Finally you have found

Do you want me to show up for duty and
Serve this woman and honor her beauty and
Finally you have found something perfect and
Finally you have found... yourself

My lone ranger the heat exchanger
Is living in this figure eight
And I'll do my best to recreate and

Sweet precision and soft collision
Hearts about to palpitate
And I find it hard to separate and

All I want is for you to be happy and
Take this woman and make you my family and
Finally you have found someone perfect and
Finally you have found... now

What do you do
when everyone you love
sets to self destruct?

    I think sometimes everyone needs reminding just how small our daily problems are.
    Cars, school, money, work.
   
    Who of us is worrying about death, their health? Cancer? Sobriety? Civil wars? Physical violence? Nuclear weapons? Serious religious oppression? Man, I am NOT all about holding hands and singing songs about love being all you need, but I think we all just need to start appreciating what we have and not worrying so much about what we want that might take a little sweat to get.

    The biggest problem I have today is that it's 110 out and whether or not Starbucks is going to bankroll my next semester in college (outside of the checks they already give me every two weeks).

    Every passing year makes me a happier person. I used to think that the older you get, the grumpier you get.
    Not so.
    I'm happier this year than last year. I'm better with money. I work harder. I'm more disciplined. I'm healthier. I've always loved the little things in life, but my appreciation for them continues to increase.

     Example, I'm going to the gym now and I have shrimp marinading for lunch, I don't work today....and I couldn't be more stoked on life.

    Oh! And I just found out that I'll be spending my 20th birthday on a cruise ship in the Eastern Carribbean. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


His eyes are cold and restless
His wounds have almost healed
And she'd give half of Texas
Just to change the way he feels
Well she knows his love's in Tulsa
And she knows he's gonna go
Well, it ain't no woman, in flesh and blood
It's that damned old rodeo.

Well, it's bulls and blood
It's dust and mud
It's the roar of a Sunday crowd
It's the white in his knuckles
The gold in the buckle
He'll win the next go 'round
It's boots and chaps
It's cowboy hats
It's spurs and latigo
It's the ropes and the reins
And the joy and the pain
And they call the thing rodeo.

She does her best to hold him
When his love comes to call
But his need for it controls a man
And her back's against the wall
And it's "So long girl, I'll see ya."
When it's time for him to go
You know the woman wants her cowboy
Like he wants his rodeo

Well, it's bulls and blood
It's dust and mud
It's the roar of a Sunday crowd
It's the white in his knuckles
The gold in the buckle
He'll win the next go 'round
It's boots and chaps
It's cowboy hats
It's spurs and latigo
It's the ropes and the reins
And the joy and the pain
And they call the thing rodeo.

It'll drive a cowboy crazy
It'll drive the man insane
And he'll sell off everything he owns
Just to pay to play the game
And a broken home and some broken bones
Is all he'll have to show
For all the years that he spent chasin'
This dream they call rodeo.